Please note: This post refers to a recent conversation with a client, I have been given permission from that client to share the conversation here.

Also quick update: I’ve just found out I’ve hit the subscriber limit on word-press, I’d need to pay for a more expensive account type to allow for more subscribers – can anyone suggest any other website providers that I might be able to consider instead?

Every now and then a client is brave enough to give me feedback, the kind of feedback that becomes directly responsible for me changing my therapy processes and systems. It’s feedback that once I hear it, I know it would be important for other clients too. It rocks me to the core. In a good way.

It was also thanks to this client’s feedback and conversations with fellow therapists on Facebook, that I had a massive moment this week, I took another step forward in allowing myself to be vulnerable about my internal experience with a client.

For context, this particular client has an outcome goal – which is to increase their confidence levels, to then pursue deeper fulfilment. During our session earlier this week, we had started straying from the process goal we had set at the beginning of the session, which was to help the client obtain their motorbike licence – this was actually one of the client’s earliest process goals, one that we had been previously working on over a number of sessions. However in more recent sessions, just as we were getting to the last phase of getting the licence (booking in the practical riding test), the client started to switch up their process goal. At times we spoke about relationship challenges, at other times we engaged in discourse to build confidence that way. These were changes in process goal that I did not challenge, so I have just as much of a hand in it too.

Coming back to the session earlier this week, we agreed to return to the motorbike licence goal after the client expressed concerns/feedback that they were feeling overwhelmed by their goals (both in amount and level of challenge) and they were not quite achieving the progress they hoped for (again we had switched process goals on a number of occasions). This feedback led to some opportunities; normalising the tendency for clients to “jump around” when it comes to their chosen therapy focus or switch focus to what is most “pressing” in their life at the time. It also allowed for the normalising of avoidance of what is scary or uncomfortable. I raised an observation that the client had switched therapy goals, just as he had chosen a motorbike and got to the point of obtaining his licence – something we spent sessions on (again, a switch that I allowed). The client agreed that more comfortable or pressing goals had been taking over our original process.

The above reflection happened at the start of the session. However right afterwards the client had some things they first needed to get off their chest, about current challenges in relationships, but this was starting to turn into the entire conversation, as the first 20 minutes of the session then passed very quickly.

I was mindful that if I didn’t check in with the client about our chosen focus from the start of the session, the session would be over before I knew it. I made a couple of attempts (on reflection too indirectly) to remind the client that working on getting his motorbike licence would likely have the greatest impact on helping his confidence, but we continued to talk about the relationship challenges.

That’s when my vulnerability shift occurred. I enlisted the clients help to keep us on track, to help me stay engaged and to be effective. I said in an observing tone that I needed the clients help to keep us on track with our chosen topic (the motorbike licence) as when I’m making frequent attempts to corral someone back to a main chosen topic, my brain gets tired. This was huge. It’s something that I have never done before. I also said this without frustration or judgement. I have never asked a client to help me stay engaged. I would always put the burden of managing on myself. The client received this incredibly well, acknowledged my feedback and from then on we were able to keep on the motorbike licence subject for the remainder of the session. The client went away with agreed upon next steps for obtaining their licence and we both felt back on track and validated.

A conflict between two principles

So lets take a look under the hood at what happened here. I know that I do my best to be guided by underlying principles in my practice. In reflecting on this situation, two in particular come to mind (among many more) in guiding me as a therapist:

1. You’re an adult, you can make your own decisions (in reference to how I see and treat my clients) – which encourages me to be client led.
2. The fight vs flight brain is incredibly powerful – which reminds me that people can be heavily influenced by fear/perceived threats in how they act.

interestingly, before I started this Deliberate Practice journey, I was heavily invested in understanding the fight vs flight brain. In coming to terms with the subconscious impacts it can have on our daily lives. I was even writing a book on teaching people about their fight vs flight brain – in the interest of helping them to have a better relationship with it.

My Deliberate Practice journey has instead shifted my focus on the first principle more and more as time has gone on. So much so that I have started to lose sight of the second principle. I have allowed clients at times to be a little too comfortable, at least without challenging them to consider whether they are being too comfortable in pursuing growth.

As a consequence I have started to lose balance, between the two principles. Possibly evidenced by my recent submitted video to become a board approved supervisor. I received feedback from the evaluator that I focused too much on the therapeutic relationship and not quite enough on teaching the supervisee in the video about a strategy – which was how to build an exposure hierarchy with a client (I still passed though!).

So really there should be a third principle:

1. You’re an adult, you can make your own decisions
2. The fight vs flight brain is incredibly powerful
3. There must be balance between conflicting principles. – like the ones above.

I now have an important reminder, that in my focus to be client led (principle 1), especially in aligning with their process goal, it became too easy to lose sight of my client’s outcome goal. It reminded me that clients can find their outcome goal scary, so sometimes they will do what they can to avoid or procrastinate moving toward that outcome goal, often via switching process goals or choosing one that feels more comfortable. It’s a fine line between allowing a client to build their confidence by controlling the therapy process and not allowing them to avoid or become overwhelmed by their goals thanks to their fight vs flight brain. Sometimes clients need to be protected from themselves, in order to go where they need to go in order to heal- the scary places.

Previously I told myself that if clients trusted the system, by following their process goals (even when they often switched, which I would allow) that it would all work out eventually – that their outcome goal would be achieved naturally. I would often remember a quote from the better results book, that athletes who perform best focus on their systems/process, not their outcomes. I failed to realise though that what works for an athlete, doesn’t always work for a therapy client. Client’s don’t have the time or resources to painstakingly keep tweaking their process goals – there’s a risk they will burn out or run out of funds before they get to their outcome goal this way.

It has also helped me remember that guiding clients more in the face of avoidance is still being client led, perhaps just being led by their ideal self. They just need some help and protection in getting there. Otherwise what I had been doing was being overly led by a client’s comfort, instead of reminding them to follow what might be more impactful (and uncomfortable).

The funny thing is, I haven’t been devoid of calling out clients when they are avoiding their previously chosen outcome goal, but the realisation of how easily this can happen and how I was enabling it had previously escaped me. Meaning I wasn’t picking this avoidance up as often as I could have and more importantly not calling it out as much as I could have.

It’s not to suggest that I will force clients experiencing avoidance to keep to their chosen outcome goal, but in calling it out it gives them the opportunity to make an informed decision about whether they will choose to follow a more comfortable path or not. It will also give me more permission to share my own view as well.

Ironically, I’m aware of my own tendency to almost constantly be shifting my goals in my own Deliberate Practice efforts. Trust me, there are so many things I could be writing about. For instance, I’ve been meaning to work more directly on listening better, despite that, my last coaching session with Daryl centred on a recent realisation that my trying too hard mode can come from a place of excitement, but now I’m writing about client goals… The thing is, in my defence, unlike most my clients I have the time and resources to allow myself a very long time to achieve better outcomes. I can therefore treat myself more like an athlete and take all the time I need to finely tweak multiple goals at different times. I’ve hopefully got another 30-40 years to keep on this journey. Clients don’t have the luxury of taking that much time.

This entire situation is a prime example of why having conversations with other therapists on Facebook about challenges in therapy have been crucial to my own growth. It was a man named Jeb (a statistics wizard) who wrote in a comment that he would at times share his perceived shortcomings with clients in order to align with them more deeply or enlist their help e.g. “I don’t think I can help you unless…”. Jeb sharing this gave me the permission and inspiration to try this for myself. I would have otherwise really struggled to consider the idea of asking something of the client, to enlist their help, in order to protect the therapy process. It’s far easier for me to place all the burden on myself.

So what’s my task? My task now is to review my caseload. I’m going to consider having a conversation with clients who I think may be struggling with their chosen outcome goal. To see if we can recalibrate to keep in line with their most impactful process goal.

I’m also starting to toy with an idea in updating one of my systems, to help better monitoring of a client’s outcome goal. It’s clear that I can’t trust my brain to do it consistently, it has enough to keep track of as it is. Yes, I know I said this would be my year of consolidation! (no process changes), but this feels too big to not action. I think I did pretty well to last almost two months – wish me luck.

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