Towards the end of last year I was watching a segment on tv about the now retired Indian cricketer, Sachin Tandulkar. Sachin is probably India’s most successful ever batsman. He’s the cricketing equivalent of Roger Federer or Cristiano Ronaldo – at least in terms of impact on the sport. I promise, I won’t bore you with cricket. All you really need to know is that Sachin was (and still is) a legend. The segment was led by a man interviewing Sachin about his career and success in cricket, while also discussing Sachin’s cricket school. I was only half paying attention until the interviewer asked Sachin about what made him such a successful batsman. Sachin’s response has stuck with me ever since. He said that he was very attentive to his comfort while he was batting, something he prioritised as much as possible. If a piece of batting equipment didn’t feel quite right, he would change it; whether it be the bat he was using or even his shoes. To him, his comfort was paramount to his performance. If he was comfortable, he wasn’t subconsciously or consciously distracted by discomfort and more of his mental resources could go into just playing the game.

It’s not that Sachin’s response was incredibly profound or anything, it just made so much sense. It obviously planted a seed in my mind. As is often the case in these situations, they gradually open me up to thinking about how I can apply the lesson to my own work.

As time goes on, I start to more often think about how I can let myself be more comfortable in therapy sessions, until I hit a tipping point and become completely accepting of the idea. I have started to actively pursue my own comfort in therapy sessions.

It has been another monumental shift for me. Sometimes I can just tell when something is going to be a major contributor to me being a happier and more effective therapist.

What I love is that it goes against all these arbitrary rules I was taught in my training. Rules that strongly implied that my comfort was no where near as important compared to the clients comfort. I was taught that client comfort mattered above all else. Here are some of those rules I was taught:

• Never hand a client a tissue when they are crying, it sends them a message you want them to stop.
• Always let a client sit where ever they want in the therapy room, even if it’s your chair.
• Never fidget in a therapy session, you will distract the client.
• Always have your body facing the client, so that you look engaged.
• Don’t use anything but a digital or analogue clock to manage session time.
• Sessions go for 50 minutes, that’s just how it is.
• You must dress in a smart casual attire.
• Never use your computer when with a client, unless it’s strictly for admin.

As always, I’m not giving myself permission to completely reject those rules. They exist for a reason. My issue is that they end up being presented as blanket rules, that are never to be broken. This then suggests that there is a one size fits all approach to clients and that clients will be totally put off or made to feel unnecessarily uncomfortable if I endeavour to allow space for my own needs.

To me, it feels some therapist’s fears about ‘do no harm’ gone mad. In that they seem so fearful of being perceived as doing harm, they try to get as far away from potential harm, as they can.

It’s another example where I think we can start projecting our own fears onto the client. I believe we often don’t give clients enough credit and underestimate their ability to adjust in tricky situations.

Another issue I have with how these rules can be used, is that the therapist thinks they can predict how the client will react, like some sort of fortune teller. The subtext sounds like “if you break this rule, you will stop the client from getting better”. First off, we don’t know that, only the client can decide that. Second, I would argue the opposite. If I break an arbitrary rule, a client is more likely to get better. Theory being that because I’m more comfortable in breaking the rule, I’m more likely to be effective. Also a rule break might align better with a clients wants and preferences. I still remember how grateful a client was one time when I handed them a tissue, as they said no one had ever done that for them before. I didn’t predict that. I was surprised. It turned out to be a very happy surprise.

You can probably tell where this is going, over the years I have become more ok with the idea of allowing myself to be comfortable. Here’s some of the ways I achieve that:

• I use a smart watch with two silent alarms to manage session times.
• I wear Air Jordans.
• If a client sits in my chair, I kindly ask them to move.
• I use my computer for certain therapy activities.
• I let myself to sit comfortably, if I feel like chucking my legs over the armchair of my seat, I will. I sit like a pretzel sometimes.

It still depends on the client and the situation. If I sense a client may be bothered by my breaking of a typical rule, I won’t do it or I’ll ask their permission first. It’s not often necessary though. Most clients are totally fine with what I do. Why? Because they can tell I’m still engaged and caring.

Clients actually seem to appreciate the authenticity. I’d even dare to say that some of them may even find it inspiring.

Here’s a more recent example where me allowing my own comfort has gone to a new level. This is where I’m very thankful for the neurodivergence acceptance movement as it has helped me build the courage to do this.

Over the last couple of months, I have started allowing myself to fidget in session. It started with a tennis ball. I’d roll it around against my leg and the palm of my hand. It was great! It helped me feel more focused and sometimes helped me ground myself more effectively. There was one issue though, my hand would end up smelling like a tennis ball.

So when I bought some fidgets for my clients I decided to get myself a tennis ball replacement as well.

I’ve been loving it, it’s squishier than a tennis ball, so I have more variety in how I use it. I have also been referring to it in sessions sometimes, using it as an example of self-acceptance and giving oneself permission to meet ones own needs. A way of rebelling against arbitrary blanket rules in order to meet your own individual needs.

There is a time where I don’t fidget with the ball, if session content is clearly becoming emotional for a client. I put the ball away.

It’s been another helpful tool in my arsenal in helping my migraines. Using it in sessions seems to be helping take the tension from the back of my neck and head and instead channelling that tension into my hand. Needless to say I’ve had less tension and fewer headaches in between sessions and at the end of my shift, since I started using the new ball.

The lesson by now may be obvious. Down with arbitrary rules that were likely created to help someone manage their own fears, by projecting them onto others. Clients are generally not fussed, we need to stop pretending we can read their minds and anticipate their reactions. Client’s don’t care, because they will often be open to you doing whatever you need to do to be more effective. They are totally capable of appreciating that if you’re happier and therefore more effective – you may then help them get better faster!

So this time I encourage you to consider an arbitrary rule in therapy you really don’t like, but have adhered to – do you feel ready to break it? You might feel liberated in what you find.

• Instagram
• Facebook

If you want to stay in the loop for future posts, then please feel free to sign up for our mailing list: